Let's Laugh

 Why did the donut go to therapy?  It had a hole in its heart.

 What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips and dip!

 How do robots pay for things?  With cache!

 Why did the programmer quit their job? They didn’t get arrays!

 Why was the cat sitting on the computer?  To keep an eye on the mouse.

 Why do ducks make terrible secret agents? They always quack under pressure.

 Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re a little shellfish!

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.

 I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

 What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.

 Why don’t elephants use computers? They’re afraid of the mouse.

 What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.

 Why can’t your hand be 18 inches long? Because then it’d be a forearm.

 What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

 Which vegetable is loved most?  Onion, as everyone cry while cutting it. 

 Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open.

 I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

 Why do bananas never get lonely? Because they hang out in bunches.

 Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It felt crumby.

 What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

 What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.

 What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

 Why don’t graveyards ever get overcrowded? People are dying to get in.

 Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.

 I told my computer I needed a break. Now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats.

 Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

 Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!

 How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

 What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

 Why don’t fish play basketball? Because they’re afraid of the net!

 What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

 Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

 Why did the computer keep coughing? It caught a virus and forgot to update its antibodies!

 Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? Because they’ll just wash up on shore later!

 Why did the smartphone break up with its charger? It felt like it was being too clingy and just couldn’t let go!

 Why did the computer go to therapy? It had too many bytes of unresolved issues!

 People say I’m too condescending.  That means I talk down to people.

 I broke my finger last week.  On the other hand, I’m okay.

 My doctor told me I was going deaf.  It was hard to hear that.

 I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

 Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar?  He got twelve months.

Person: Hey, I asked you to buy a packet of matchsticks. Where is it? Servant: Here it is, sir. But I did a little quality check for you! Person: Quality check? What do you mean? Servant: Well, I lit every matchstick to make sure they all worked. Person: You… lit each matchstick? So now the packet is empty!? Servant: Yes, sir! Don’t worry though, every match worked perfectly! Person: So now I have a packet of… burnt sticks? Servant: Exactly, sir! Top-quality, pre-tested matchsticks! Not a single dud. Person: Unbelievable. Now I need to send you back for a fresh packet. Servant: Oh, sure, sir! And don’t worry—I’ll test every single one again to be sure! Person: sighs deeply

 Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?  In case he got a hole in one.

 Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.

 I went to buy some camouflage jackets, but I couldn’t find any.

 People say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

 I told my suitcase there’d be no vacation this year.  Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

 I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

 How many apples grow on a tree?  All of them.

 What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.

 I’m reading a book on anti-gravity.  Now it’s impossible to put it down.

 I’d tell you a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience.

 Why can’t you trust an atom?  Because they make up everything!

 I just burned 2,000 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.

 Mystery of Life Why can’t you trust stairs? Because they’re always up to something.

Parent: “Did you fall?” Kid: “No, I attacked the floor.” Parent: “Backwards?” Kid: “I'm skilled.”

The Genius Dog A dog walked into a telegram office, took a blank form, and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk said, "You can add one more 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all."

 The Job Interview Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Me: "I’d say my biggest weakness is listening."

 I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.

 My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

 Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

 I told my AI I needed a break... Now it won’t stop sending me beach photos.

 My dog is a genius. I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing. 

 Teacher: "If I give you two cats and then two more cats, how many cats do you have?" Student: "Five!" Teacher: "No, listen carefully. If I give you two cats and then two more cats, how many cats do you have?" Student: "Five!" Teacher: "Let's try again. If I give you two cats, and two more cats... how many cats do you have?" Student: "Five!" Teacher: "How on earth is that five?" Student: "Because I already have a cat!"

 Teacher: "If you have 10 chocolate bars and you eat 4, what do you have?" Student: "A stomachache… and no regrets!"

 At a job interview Interviewer: "So, why do you want to work here?" Candidate: "Well, to be honest, I need the money." Interviewer: "Okay, that’s refreshingly honest. What would you say is your greatest weakness?" Candidate: "I'd have to say... honesty." Interviewer: "Hmm. I don’t think honesty is a weakness." Candidate: "Oh, I don't care what you think." Interviewer: "Alright, can you tell me about a time you made a mistake?" Candidate: "Sure, this one time, I thought coming here was a good idea."

The Smart Parrot A man walked into a pet store, looking for a unique pet to keep him company. After browsing for a bit, he spotted a beautiful parrot sitting on a perch with a little sign next to it: “Parrot: $10.” The man thought this was too good to be true. He asked the store owner, “Why is this parrot so cheap?” The owner sighed. “Look, I have to warn you—this parrot used to live in a nightclub, so his language is... well, let’s just say he’s picked up some colorful vocabulary.” The man grinned. “That’s fine with me. I think I can handle it.” So, he bought the parrot and took it home. As soon as he opened the cage, the parrot looked around and squawked, “New joint, huh? Nice place! Where’s the bar?” The man laughed, but he quickly replied, “Hey, no bad language, alright?” The parrot rolled his eyes and nodded. The man thought he had the bird under control. But the next morning, when his two elderly aunts came over for coffee, the parrot saw them, tilted his head, and shouted, “Ladi...

 Once upon a time in a tiny village, there was a chicken named Chuck who had one dream: to be the best comedian in the barnyard. Chuck would practice his jokes daily, clucking with enthusiasm as he tried them out on the other animals. One sunny morning, Chuck waddled up to the cow, Bella, and said, "Hey, Bella! Why did the scarecrow win an award?" Bella gave a slow chew of her cud and rolled her eyes. "I dunno, Chuck. Why?" "Because he was outstanding in his field!" Chuck cackled, feathers flying, but Bella just gave a long moo and said, "That joke was un-bull-ievably bad." Undeterred, Chuck strutted over to the sheep, who was known to be a bit woolly-minded. "Hey, Woolly, why don’t eggs tell jokes?" The sheep blinked. "No idea, Chuck." "Because they’d crack each other up!" Woolly baaa-ed in a fit of laughter, but Chuck realized the laughter was actually directed at the barn cat, Whiskers, who was currently tangled u...

 Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

 Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!

 Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged!

 Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

 Why most of the people hate maths?  Because it have to many problems. 

 Why was the equal sign so humble? Because it knew it wasn’t less than or greater than anyone else!